There is nothing wrong with you if you’re anxiously attached, but cultivating an awareness of it will help you feel more grounded and confident in your romantic pursuits. Want some specific advice about your relationship with an avoidant partner? Chat online to a relationship coach from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Due to their life experiences or how they grew up, however, they don’t think other people can be relied upon to support or love them.
Furthermore, suppose they decided to just stay in and have an evening to themselves. In that case, your partner may not be paying attention to their phone if you decide to message. An activity like painting, hiking, or trying something new can help develop and forge a bond better than activities that require a lot of mental investment. Multiple days or weeks is a significant problem that may indicate a lack of interest. The bonds we form with other people, whether romantic or platonic, are driven by several compounding factors that help direct the way we connect with them. Attachment theory claims that daily interactions with our earliest caretaker determine our style of attaching and how we relate to other people.
Examine the intentions of your partner.
One of the best-known books on attachment theory, Attached, by Rachel S.F. Heller and Amir Levine, explains that those with an anxious attachment style are often drawn to people with an avoidant attachment style. Inconsistent behavior is a major trigger for someone with an anxious attachment style and could possibly activate anxious attachment jealousy. Regularly letting your anxiously attached partner know how important they are to you, and that you’re there for them, may help them feel more secure and supported within the relationship. The last three attachment styles — anxious, avoidant, and disorganized — fall under the category of insecure attachment styles. After a breakup, then, those with an anxious attachment style may experience deep emotional turmoil, often taking much longer to get over it.
Ways to Make an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Work
It is reasonable to set a time-frame for communication with an avoidant partner. ” It’s also reasonable to want to have individual time to oneself, like taking a weekend by yourself to unwind. The dismissive-avoidant person may go as far as to reject any potential relationships or intimacy if they feel like they are too close.
You may also find it helpful to tune into the Personal Development School on Youtube, a popular channel all about attachment theory by Montreal-based therapist Thais Gibson. If you have a child who is anxiously attached, there are some steps that you can take to help them. However, keep in mind that you cannot diagnose someone with an attachment style. One way to go from being anxious to secure is through learning to be dismissing. Anxious ambivalent attachment typically develops in children whose caregiver may have acted nurturing and responsive one minute and unavailable or insensitive the next.
You might feel insecure about the status of your relationship, constantly questioning if your partner likes you, and wondering if they are looking for reasons to break up with you. You may also read too much into your partner’s emotions, and take their behavior too personally. This can look like obsessing about being left on read, or overanalyzing off-handed comments made by your partner. The fourth attachment style is disorganized attachment which is also known as fearful-avoidant attachment. This attachment style is a sort of combination of both anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. People with this attachment style crave emotional closeness with others, partially as a need for validation, but are also deeply fearful of abandonment.
These individuals so desperately want approval that they drive the people close to them away. People who have avoidant attachment styles crave intimacy and connection as much as anyone else. They just DatingRated don’t have healthy mechanisms for navigating those relationships. Even people who feel independent when on their own are often surprised that they become dependent once they’re romantically involved.
Therapy is a very effective way to gain the tools you need to manage anxious attachment. You can do it individually, as a couple, in a group, or a combination of these. So, for those of you with anxious/preoccupied styles, put on your dismissing cloak when you need it. You could lose your job, and you won’t be able to pay your bills. Your family will be mad at you for making such a mess of things. And you really like the person you insulted, and they will never like you again.
It really depends on how it impacts their behavior and what their triggers are. Some people just need consistency, communication, and a little extra reassurance. Others can be controlling, paranoid, and can make their partner solely responsible for their emotional regulation. Would you like to find out whether you identify with the superpowers of another attachment style? We have three more posts on attachment style superpowers for those who are secure, avoidant and disorganized. How much do you agree with how fitting the superpowers for anxious preoccupied attachment are for you?
Getting your avoidant partner to confront their fear, overcome it, and trust you is the biggest challenge your relationship will face. You can’t fix your avoidant partner’s problems for them, particularly if they don’t view the way they function as a problem. Offer support and patience where you can, but don’t get hung up on the end result. An avoidant partner feels threatened when their independence and autonomy is threatened. They may pull away periodically because of those feelings of discomfort. A good relationship with an avoidant partner is possible by understanding how they function in relationships and working to accommodate their needs.